Bullshit.

So if you read the first post that I put up I want to apologize. I couldn't sleep last night, of course, and I was laying up thinking about this blog and it's purpose and realized that if I post bullshit then this thing is useless. I need to be as honest as possible with myself and also with you so here it is: yes, I do have a great setup with a happy little family that I adore, but there is a catch: I'm an alcoholic. That's it. That's the truth. No bullshit. Why do I want to quite drinking...well, I'm tired of coming home dying for a drink and quickly slipping into a hole where I just want more, ignoring my wife and children, sitting on the porch for hours drunk dialing friends while my children grow up without me there. I am tired of waking up disoriented and dizzy and hoping I don't shit blood when I sit down for the morning ritual. I am tired of ignoring the chores that need to be done around my house and waking up to what resembles a college party. Most of all, though, I am tired of this guilt. This knowledge that someday in the relatively near future my children will not have a father and the reality that I had this knowledge from the beginning and could have done something about it if only I had not been so self indulgent. I'm tired of carrying on this family tradition. Fifteen years is long enough. Enough deep buzzes and perpetual hangovers. Enough empty cans and bottles. Enough drinking and enough of the bullshit that enables me to allow myself to continue it. OK?